I have spent many hours analyzing how I could’ve handled situations better. This use comes from a place of self-loathing. I thought if I did enough analysis of myself, the parts that I don’t like would go away. Since I work in a job that is essentially customer service, I have seen the rainbow of human behavior. I have since decided that in most situations where someone is displeased with me, there’s not much I could’ve done to improve the outcome. I’ll illustrate my point with a few anecdotal examples.

This week I wasn’t feeling particularly well. My volume regulation does normally need some help. I could barely speak and shouting wasn’t an option. I have been told that we need to make customers aware when there is a balance on their accounts. Might I just say, I abhor having to bring this up to them? The medical system in this country requires huge out-of-pocket costs that most people cannot handle. I know this because I can barely afford my healthcare costs. Nevertheless, I’m expected to carry out this unpleasant duty. I saw that a woman owed less than forty dollars. In my barely existent voice, I asked if she was aware of the balance on the account. She said she wasn’t and declined to pay it at that time. I thought everything was fine. She proceeded to go back and complain, she said she wanted the manager to be made aware that she was humiliated in front of the whole waiting room. The waiting room maybe had one other person there and there was no way they could’ve heard me. I loved that my boss responded with “ if she had bothered to do her online paperwork, she would’ve seen she had a balance”. 

The recent demise of my latest attempt at a romantic relationship also illuminated that only so much is within my control. Believe me when I spent the better part of a day trying to figure out what went wrong and what I could’ve done to prevent my partner from deciding that I wasn’t worth a modicum amount of effort. At the end of the rabbit hole, I realized there was nothing I could’ve done. The only way I would’ve made my partner happy would’ve been to have accepted being the least important part of his life. This would’ve been a betrayal of myself at the very core. If the two options on the table are to sacrifice your values or lose something you care about while keeping your sanity. I used to choose to sacrifice myself to keep people in my life. It took me a long time to realize that I was dying inside and that no one was really happy with this option. The resentment would end up destroying the relationship anyways. I want to offer words of encouragement when it comes to being rejected. You know you deserve better treatment or people give up on you because you don’t conveniently fit into their world.

If someone who claims to value you as a person refuses to make you a priority and listens to what is important to you, run. The ultimate problem is not that they are not valuing you. While that is a problem, the real problem lies with them. Those who are unable to validate, empathize and understand others aren’t able to practice self-compassion. They bury their true desires and are not in touch with themselves. They’re drowning themselves without realizing it for the sake of maintaining the comfort of those around them. The irony of the whole situation is no one is going to end up happy in the end. The person stuffing and denying themselves will end up imploding or exploding. When they go to pieces, no one will be there for the people they were supporting. If they had bothered to take care of themselves bit by bit, they would’ve been around longer for those they love and care about. Honor your heart, mind, and body. Do it because you are worthy of a peaceful life and those around you need models of wellness. You are worth being well and whole. 

Situations like this break my heart like almost nothing else will. I want to help, fix whatever is wrong, and save the day. I never want to leave the person alone to deal with it by themselves. I’ve learned that while I can offer help, it has to be accepted. I will always vote for making the effort, going the extra mile, and extending a bit of kindness. The world is harsh enough, goodness can seem in short supply. Choosing kindness is my way to combat the darkness that sometimes clouds my vision. As Dumbledore said ” When you’re in the dark, all one has to do is turn on the light”.